ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU!

"Good?  Bad?  I'm the guy with the gun."  Sean Connery as Zed the Exterminator in "Zardoz"

I first became aware of the film "Zardoz" (directed by John Boorman in 1974) while reading a book on cult films in the basement section of the library at the campus of the Universtiy of Richmond.  To call a movie a "cult film" is sometimes a polite way of saying it's an incomprehensible piece of garbage, and this book turned me on to several movies, some of which I loved and others that I didn't like at all.  Some time later my grandmother gave me (for Easter, no less) a book on the films of Sean Connery, who starred in "Zardoz", and that book included more information about and pictures from this weird and wonderful film.

It wasn't until years later that I actually got to see the movie, and when I did I watched it with my mother.  This was awkward, as a lot of the female cast walk around topless for no good reason whatsoever.  Mom insisted that the movie was funny for all the wrong reasons and that Sean Connery must have been going through some kind of midlife drug phase crisis when he agreed to star in it.  I've seen it more than half a dozen times since.  

Yesterday "Zardoz" was the featured film for Sunday Dinner Family Movie Night and it was a roaring success.  Everyone who didn't fall asleep before it was over agreed that it was enjoyable, or at the very least interesting.  I purchased snacks in anticipation of what I jokingly referred to as "Zardozmas", but we ended up eating dinner late and the snacks will have to serve a later function.  I was going to make chili cheese dip which, like the script for "Zardoz", seems like a good idea at the time but comes back to haunt you in ways you didn't expect.  

As much as I'd love to write a long, in-depth, scene-by-scene review of this movie, I won't subject you to that.  I will, however, challenge you to seek this movie out and watch it.  Watch it with friends and loved ones so you can make fun of it.  "Zardoz" brings families together.

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned by Watching ZARDOZ

Most people are hesitant to watch Zardoz because Sean Connery runs around in it dressed like this.

Laugh all you want, but this look actually inspired kind of a trend in the realm of comic books.  Kind of a science fiction fetish wear look that you don't see much of these days.

Exhibit A:  Marvel Comics hero Killraven.

Exhibit B:  Superman villain Vartox

      

From Zardoz, I learned that you can't be pulled in by a bunch of flashy theatrics.  We live in a very image-centric society these days, and sometimes people might put up a good front, but in actuality be much less than what they seem.  

For example:  

If the figure above told me to do something, I'd damn well do it.  A giant floating head of stone is a pretty far-out thing to encounter any day of the week.  But...

What if the big stone head was just a front for this guy?  I wouldn't buy a can of green beans from this weirdo.  

From Zardoz I learned that life is full of little indignities.  You lose a big promotion to a lesser qualified co-worker.  Your significant other leaves you for someone else.  You give a big presentation, and only at the end of it do you realize your fly was down.  An effeminate blonde man in silky pajamas wants to inspect your teeth and you can't do anything to stop him because he has telekinetic powers.  You just have to accept these things, realize they have nothing to do with your worth as a human being, and move on.  

From Zardoz I learned that sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you just cannot get out of a bad situation.  Sometimes it's a bad relationship, sometimes it's a dead-end job.  Sometimes fear of the unknown stops you, sometimes it's a force field, but whatever the situation or the stress you feel, you are powerless to simply walk away.

I learned many valuable lessons from this movie, and can only begin to share them with you now.  

From Zardoz I learned that there is indeed someone in the drivers seat, and it sure as hell isn't you.  I learned that you cannot trust the wealthy or any kind of elitist.  Sometimes even intellectuals are too smart for their own damn good.  I learned that you can trust some women, but not all of them, and that even if a woman refers to you as a beast and insists that you be executed every chance she gets, it doesn't mean she doesn't find you desirable, and that while she may form a posse and try to run you down with a horse, this might all be part of some complex mating ritual that you just don't understand and you should just go with it.  

I learned that sometimes, you just have to follow a creative spirit wherever it might lead.  Who gives a damn what everyone thinks?  Maybe the public at large won't get it, but someone will, and they'll be grateful to you forever for what you created. 

I am grateful for Zardoz. 

Director John Boorman, star Sean Connery, and in the background actress Charlotte Rampling, who is HOT.