How To Drink to Excess

People have often asked me while I was throwing up or peeing in bushes or on lampposts outside bars: "Gosh, Paul... How do you DO it?"  My usual response is to tell them to mind their own damn business.  It may not have sounded quite like that, but I assure you that's what I was trying to say.  In the way of apology and as a public service I offer this blog and with it my heartfelt wish that all of you can someday be that wasted right along with me.

How to Drink to Excess, or How to Turn "A Few" into "Too Many"

The journey of a thousand miles, as the old saying goes, begins with a single step.  The beginning of the path to inebriation, however, is a bit more complicated.  One must be totally prepared to totally accept becoming totally wrecked.  If you consider that most of us really do go through life with a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, you must take the angel and place him in a drawer somewhere, hand the keys to the devil and say "let's have a good time."  This is a little schizophrenic, I know, but do whatever you have to do to eliminate any doubt in your mind that getting drunk is what you most want out of life at this very moment.

I find it's good practice to skip lunch.  By all means,enjoy a nice, modest breakfast, but when you finally sit down to drink (optimal start time is early afternoon) see to it that you have eaten as little as possible.  If you get peckish, just remember, sacrifice is the cornerstone of civilization.

Begin with mixed drinks.  I can almost convince myself a bloody mary is a healthy alternative to something with soda in it, but I leave the choice of drink to you.  Find one that you not only like, but one that has a fun name to say when you order it.  Some of the more apprehensive among you may be saying "Well, Gee, Paul, I don't know" and to you I say two things:  Stop being such a stick in the mud, and trust me, I've done this before.  I suggest three, but you know your tolerance better than I.  You know what, screw it, go ahead and have three.

Now, order some food!  You see, I wasn't going to leave you hanging.  The food will counteract the mixed drinks and give you your second wind.  Depending upon the quality of the service at your designated watering hole, coincide your order of food with your last order for a mixed drink.  When the food arrives, switch to beer.  As the old poem goes:  "Liquor then beer, you're in the clear", however "Beer before liquor, you're gonna puke your guts out".  Remember that you just might puke your guts out anyway and not to beat yourself up too much about it.

The beer stage is by far the longest stage in the process.  Think of yourself as a space shuttle, or a several stage rocket.  This is that touch-and-go period when you're trying to leave the earths atmosphere and anything could go wrong.  You might lose momentum, so perseverance is key.  Switching bars might become necessary.  You might have to ignore several calls from your significant other or you might remember that you work early the next day, but I repeat: DO NOT LOSE MOMENTUM!  You've started this thing and you're going to see it through.  Find out what beer is on special, stick with it, and as a rule I like to buy other people beers.  They may not reciprocate tonight, but you're planting seeds that will grown into free beer trees down the road.

I'd like to illustrate for you the next stage, but this is where the process grows fuzzy, even in my mind.

Depending upon the night of the week and where you go there may be karaoke or dancing.  Don't let any extracurricular nonsense distract you from your primary objective but, by all means, if you can do it and drink at the same time, feel free.  Just remember that you didn't wake up this morning looking forward to singing "Sweet Caroline" to a bunch of rowdy drunks.  You came to get smashed.  Focus. 

A word on shots.  Depending upon how drunk you want to become, and at this point you won't remember your goal inebriation level and will just have to wing it, someone will bring up the notion of shots.  It will probably be you.  One of my tricks of the trade is to insist that everyone do a shot, even the person that is shaking his head no because that's all he can manage at this point.  Someone is bound to poop out on you and not take their shot.  It happens.  Not everyone is as committed as you.  Looking on the bright side, that's another shot for you!  It's important to maintain positivity, as no one likes a sad drunk.

Congratulations!  You're smashed!  I knew you could do it.  

Now, you might throw up.  You might wet the bed, get into an argument with a loved one or a total stranger, you might even become involved with the local authorities, but even in the dingiest drunk tank in town, you can hold your head up high and say "I did it.  Or did I?  I don't remember."  Fuzzy recollection is a natural side effect and you shouldn't let it worry you.

ADDENDUM:  The Demon Hangover

If you're under twenty-five you can skip this part.  Just drink a big glass of water and take two Tylenol before you pass out and you'll be fine.  As for the rest of us, the best way to deal with a hangover is to not do anything at all.  I mean don't do jack squat.  Lay around all day.  Eat something greasy and fattening.  I find Hardees and a milkshake of some kind is best.  This way, you can tell yourself that you're not hung over at all, you just feel nasty because you ate a bunch of greasy fattening food.  

As for those of us who cannot manage to do nothing and find themselves faced with chores, work, or life in general in the face of a hangover, well, what can I say?  Suffer through it.  You're the one who wanted to go out and get drunk last night.