That's pretty much all I have to say about that.
There is, however, a long history of fictional characters and otherwise completely unqualified entertainers that would regularly conduct presidential campaigns. These brave souls included, but are not limited to comedian Pat Paulsen from the Smothers Brothers Show, Walt Kelly's "Pogo", Bozo the Clown, Ronald Reagan, and I remember an issue of Captain America in which he considered running for the highest office in the land. Heck, he would've had my vote.
I thought today what my campaign would be like if I were running for President. It would go a little something like this.
Hail to the Chief
My fellow Americans.
It is with great humility that I come to you today and announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I'm sure this may come as a great surprise to many of you, but not as big a surprise as it is to me. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking.
Some of you might ask: "Just who is this Paul Sterling? I've never heard of him. What are his qualifications?"
My only reply can be: "I'm not sure I know just who you are, either, and what are your qualifications to ask for my qualifications? Pipe down while I'm talking. It'll be your turn soon enough."
With these petty matters aside we can now get down to brass tacks. Just what am I going to do about the problems that face this great nation of ours? That's a good question, and a fine place to start.
Just give me a minute...
I understand we have a problem with jobs. There are a lot of people who want one and don't have one. There are a lot of people who have one don't really enjoy the one they've got. There are still more who don't have a job and are perfectly happy that way, so for beginners, let's just leave this last group alone. As for everybody else, maybe some of the people who have jobs they don't like could swap jobs with someone else who has a job they might prefer. Or maybe they could swap with some of the people who don't have one and just go jobless for a while. They might like it. I know this might get a little confusing at first, but what I'm basically saying is this job problem is one that I'm sure we can figure out, okay?
Moving right along...
I also understand that there are several wars going on. Some of the wars we are directly involved in, and that's a shame. There are other wars going on that we don't have a hand in at all. For starters, let's not try and get involved in any of the wars that don't immediately involve us. Not just yet anyway. Let's watch the wars for a little bit, see which way it's going, and then after it looks like somebody is definitely going to win, we jump in on their side. I know this might sound a little wussy, but it's smart. We've won enough wars. We've got a good rep in that department.
Now that we've got that settled...
Anybody could tell you that economically we're in the toilet. Let's face it. Anybody could tell you that, but I'll bet you that whomever tells you that is just as lousy at math as I am, so stop listening to just anybody. Let's get some really smart people in there and take a look at the books and get a final decision once and for all just how far down into the toilet the economy is. I recommend Nancy, who works for H&R Block and did my taxes the past couple years. She's one sharp cookie.
We've got other problems too. A lot of what you might perceive as a problem depends on which of our two political parties you're affiliated with. If you're a Republican, not being allowed to hunt game with a rocket launcher is a problem for you, as well as border security, and gay couples being allowed to eat openly together at Chick Fil A. If you're a Democrat, your problems will be that your local grocery store only has three different kinds of hummus, or that vegan unwed mothers aren't allowed in front line combat, or maybe you just don't like the way people treat trees and shrubs. And why do they call it a "party" anyway? Neither group seems like they're having any fun at all.
Basically what I'm saying is there are a whole hell of a lot of problems out there. Jeez, are there a lot of problems. Just dozens of them. And here I am trying to put myself in charge of solving them.
You know what? Vote for whomever you want. Me or any of the other folks running. You might even have fewer problems four years later, but I doubt it. Problems are like that old monster from Greek myth. You know, the Hydra. You'd cut off one head and another two would sprout right back up. Doesn't that freak you out?
Anyway, thanks for your time. Have a good one.
Oh. And God bless America.
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